Seeking freedom for my thoughts…
I always loved writing down whatever came into my mind. I felt free. I felt understood. Regardless of time and space, writing has made me feel alive. It was always there for me and has always allowed me to live whatever life I wanted: my inner souls, the ones I keep locked in my body and in my mind, my angels and my demons all together.
I’m never alone and I have learnt to accept that and embrace my multiple personalities. There is nothing strange about it and it’s not like I am not aware of them as I know where they lay hidden and when they appear. I know which one of them is looking me back in the eyes through the mirror and I love them all: the lady, the innocent, the child, the quiet, the studious one. But there are also: the rebel, the seductive, the glamorous, the untamed, the fearless one, the evil.
And I love them even more.
I’ve been behind the sweet and candid mask for so long that I’ve learnt to wear it as my own, but my reality is different. I’ve learnt to smile and listen even in the moments in which all I wanted to do was to cry and shout. I’ve worn a mask that I am not capable of taking off anymore without ripping some skin off too. I made it my own and now … I might just have to deal with it…
“Even in the best of worlds the soul needs refurbishing from time to time.”
(Clarissa Pinkola Estés)
Writing helps me. It liberates me and my other selves. It frees us from the captivity in which She placed our beings. She did this to us and I couldn’t care less if she would be gone forever! In fact, I want her gone: that candid and tamed girl which everyone likes, that pretty face girl that appears to be delicate and fragile, incapable of being strong and adventurous.
The one that always listened and cared what others thought regardless of her own desires and of what her true self told her. She failed us, so she deserves to go!
This whole process is a long one! I’m aware of that, but I know deep down that it is going to be worth every minute of it! Bits and pieces, I will rewrite my story, her story, our story and make her remember who she really is! That girl, that woman she always wanted to be and the one that she was meant to become: a queen, a warrior, a fearless woman, a searcher of the past and the future, a speaker, a leader of a pack, an influencer! The singer of her own songs – her life, her mind and soul.
She’s already been tamed, it’s just that she’s been tamed by the wrong persons. She’ll learn to listen once more and she’ll learn to live again.
She’ll learn that she’s enough!
I know that by freeing her is how I’ll set us all free!
Writing my way out of her body, redesigning her mind with courage and trust! This is how my handwritten journey starts… I don’t have a name yet, but I will have… SOON!
“Some days I’m more wolf than woman and I’m still learning
how to stop apologizing for my wild.” (Nikita Gill)
“To be strong does not mean to sprout muscles and flex. It means meeting one’s own numinosity without fleeing, actively living with the wild nature in one’s own way. It means to be able to learn, to be able to stand what we know. It means to stand and live.”
(Clarissa Pinkola Estés)
Her hands were shaking and her breath was heavy. Her inner temple has been dismantled. Regardless of the love she had for her multiple masks, one of them was stronger than her and she felt fear. She closed her journal and placed her hands onto its hard leather cover, in a desperate attempt of silencing the Voice she heard from within. It was in vain! Something inside her being was fighting to open the gates she once built.
The worst of all was the fact that …
She loved the thrill! Her body was filled with an energy she could not describe, but could sense from miles away. Every pore of her skin embraced a passionate feeling for the life she always wanted but never lived. Flaming sparks built up within the forest – green of her eyes and burned them to ashes, while her lips wore their seductive armor, waiting slightly open to capture a new breath.
She was awake! The mask that she feared most…
It found a way to tear down her walls and escape!