I’m lost… Am I lost?
I feel like I am! I lost him and somehow I feel I lost a part of myself too. Is there a proper way to mourn someone you once loved and that you still love?! A special person with whom you had a deep connection?! I sometimes feel like crying my eyes out and yet there are other times in which I feel like dancing until my body drops on the floor without any breath…
Is there a way to do this right? There is silence around me but I still cannot find any peace. There is understanding in my soul for what happened but I still feel a void of darkness underneath my feet that absorbs every drop of my energy within my body… And I can hear them calling me: the pain, the guilt, the anger, the fault… Messing with my head and my heart, shattering the broken pieces that I’m hardly keeping together, as I know there was nothing I could have done better.
Saying “goodbye” is always difficult, no matter what the circumstances are. We say it too often, without substance, forgetting the fact that we don’t own our tomorrows, even though we frequently take them for granted. The truth is we shouldn’t! We don’t own Time, we are just actors in an improvised play with an unexpected ending. Tomorrow is never a fact, just an uncertainty!
Someone very special to my heart gave me a quote that has been in my mind since that day:
“What is the biggest lesson that life thought you? / Growing up is learning to say goodbye. Goodbye to things, to people, to situations. Growing up is the moment you learn to say goodbye in a better way.”
I guess I am still growing up, hence all my inner chaos and mixed feelings. It hurts that I’ve lost him, yet I have found him in so many different ways. I look at myself in the mirror and I recognize his eyebrows, his forehead, his hands in mine… Most of all I’ve found him in every song I listen to, for the love of music is something that he always nurtured in my heart.
The special connection I had with him will never fade away and there will always be love and gratitude for all the moments spent together.
“Oftentimes we say goodbye to the person we love without wanting to. Though that doesn’t mean that we’ve stopped loving them or we’ve stopped to care. Sometimes goodbye is a painful way to say I love you.”
“Even if you know what’s coming, you’re never prepared for how it feels.”
Dianne’s hands were lost on the paper of her journal and so were her eyes. The void she felt inside her was as real as the cinnamon scent invading her lungs. Candles were burning. She slowly closed her eyes, filling her body with understanding and exhaling the pain of not being able to change the motive of her sadness. She wasn’t the only one going through something like this and she knew it. She even knew that there are people who aren’t as fortunate as she was… to be able to spend so much time with their loved ones.
She knew it all! All the reasons for why she should be grateful instead of sad.
The overwhelm began to fade away, trading some space for acceptance and hope… She never poured her grief to anyone but to her journal. Not in this way. Her fingers found their path on the written date: 19th July 2018, two months since he left and look how fast the time has passed … nearly one year and she still had her teary eyes when she remembered his voice.
The memories though… tiny pieces of their history together were like rare pearls now.
They always were, but tonight something special painted them in different colors.