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I’ve been writing for the past two hours and I still feel the need to do it.

It’s 2:43 a.m. and I don’t know if I should continue letting my thoughts flow on paper or if I should fight this urge I have and go to sleep as I know I’ll probably regret this in the morning.  My hands seem to be writing without my consent and my handwriting has taken a different shape. My thoughts are transforming while flowing down the ink.

I’ve been wondering lately how is it that we sometimes feel this huge urge to do things and then, all of a sudden, we stop. It’s like your mind’s gone completely blank and you’re being left with no guidance. I seemed to notice this in writing mostly, but I’ve faced it in other aspects of my life too. Who hasn’t?! I mean… random thoughts send us contradictory messages all the time and, it is pretty obvious that, associating things which make us feel both pain and pleasure at the same time, create confusion in one’s mind. This is why we have the tendency to delay the things we yearn for.

I love writing and I always knew I want to enter a bookstore one day and find my book(s) on its shelves. However, I tend to find or create myself excuses  – I may be writing today, but tomorrow night I’ll be either too tired to do the same or I shall find some weird motive that will keep me away from a pen and paper or from my computer. I might be working out or listening to music in search of inspiration, and the minute I look at my phone – the clock shows 3:00 a.m.  Should I have a problem with this? Maybe not… What’s going to happen if I skip one night from writing?…

Probably nothing! No one besides me is keeping track of my (un)written pages, or knows my desires and my goals as I do.  But “I” … it should be enough! Finding excuses, comparing myself to others in the back of my mind, procrastinating because of “whatever” reasons only takes one so far, but it sure fills one’s mind and soul with regrets at the end of the road.

These are the birth point of  “why didn’t I …” / “what would have happened if…” / “maybe if I would have tried harder or had the courage to…”

Why on Earth do we try to fit in a pattern, when we are so beautiful and unique as individuals? Why do we filter ourselves and edit every single piece of our lives when no sunset is the same and no flower resembles the other? We lower our voice, we autotune it to follow the trend, we distort everything from our minds to our bodies, just to end up being as unhappy as we were in the first place! We fear of walking alone and we seek acceptance and love from others, yet we fail to see that the most important person that has to love us stands right there in the mirror, looking us back in the eyes. We need to rewire our mind!

Self-discipline, ambition, the motivation to achieve my goal, all of these make me aware of my flaws and of the fact that I need to pull myself up from self-doubt and to work smart and hard for my dreams. Sometimes inspiration comes when you least expect it, but in most of the times, one has to go search for it! I could have stopped writing, but that would have been foolish of me. Words never come the same way in one’s mind! They are just like a river, flowing and flooding the mind. I caught myself so many times staying in bed, almost falling asleep, with inspiration dripping in my veins. Needless to say, I wished for a recorder in my head when this happened (I would have probably finished that book earlier). But as we all know by now, there are no shortcuts in life and designing my own way in which I can achieve my goals is all I have!  Is what we all have!

I may lack in inspiration tonight, but I shall go out and search for it. I might be listening to music, I might be walking around, baking or working out the extra calories I just ate, but I shall keep in mind that I need to stay focused on myself. In the end, I always return to writing down my thoughts just to set the tone and open my creative vibes for proper inspiration!

“The craft of questions, the craft of stories, the craft of the hands — all these are the making of something, and that something is the soul. Anytime we feed the soul, it guarantees increase.” (Clarissa Pinkola Estés)

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“Though fairy tales end after ten pages, our lives do not. We are multi-volume sets. In our lives, even though one episode amounts to a crash and burn, there is always another episode awaiting us and then another. There are always more opportunities to get it right, to fashion our lives in the ways we deserve to have them. Don’t waste your time hating a failure. Failure is a greater teacher than success. Listen, learn, go on. That is what we are doing with this tale. We are listening to its ancient message. We are learning about deteriorative patterns so we can go on with the strength of one who can sense the traps and cages and baits before we are upon them or caught in them.” (Clarissa Pinkola Estés)

She ignored everything around her. It was late and nothing seemed to catch her attention. The moon shined at her window, trying to tempt her with its beauty – all in vain, while the candle had already burnt out long before she finished the last sentence. The closing of the diary brought Dianne satisfaction. It made her feel victorious in the battle with her inner demons. She knew she had multiples and the procrastination ones weren’t her friends at all. Placed on the floor, the diary was the first one put to rest. Now it was her turn! The bed sheets were touching the wooden floor but all she did was to pull the blanket over her shoulders.

After letting all of her thoughts out, she needed nothing more! 

 

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