Not myself tonight
It’s dark… I’m alone and I can’t see anything.
I feel lost and I don’t know what to do. I am trying to get to a safe place but I feel more and more lost, suffocated in an abyss of anguish. I cannot understand a thing! Inside myself crumbled fear and bewilderment, torment and nervousness. It seems like I’m taking a step back from everything.
I am not myself anymore!
I can see my body walking through darkness and my soul is slowly moving away from him. I am leaving him in the uncertainty that surrounds its entity. I don’t know if I am doing the right thing or not. Something in my interior is telling me that I shouldn’t have left him alone… that I should have followed him… But why should I have done it when I know that his steps will always walk through a valley of darkness?!
Alone… I left him alone… But me? How am I? I’ m also ALONE! I was left alone, walking on a path I did not know! I was also abandoned! Why would I stay next to it?! His steps hurt me!
I can hear the sound made by his doubts… I see him! And my tears are falling on his shoulders, the ones that once were mine… Step by step, with its slow walk, he’s banishing and I can’t see him anymore! My heart started beating faster and faster and it suddenly became silent!
Maybe it died or it went along with my body, remaining forever captive.Maybe this was the last time I heard her sound… her beat so loud, like a good-bye, like an ending for me and a new beginning for her.
This is how she knew to part from me… leaving me for the second time trapped in my loneliness, haunted by the fear of feeling just like that: ALONE!
“In a single human being there are many other beings, all with their own values, motives, and devices. Some psychological technologies suggest we arrest these beings, count them, name them, force them into harness until they shuffle along like vanquished slaves. But to do this would halt the dance of wildish lights in a woman’s eyes; it would halt her heat lightning and arrest all throwing of sparks. Rather than corrupt her natural beauty, our work is to build for all these beings a wildish countryside wherein the artists among them can make, the lovers love, the healers heal.”
(Clarissa Pinkola Estes)
“Though her soul requires seeing, the culture around her requires sightlessness. Though her soul wishes to speak its truth, she is pressured to be silent.”
(Clarissa Pinkola Estes)
She closed the journal and wondered. Eleven years have passed since she wrote those lines but, from time to time, she relived the feelings she once carved in paper. Although she enjoyed everything in her life, she had a secret hidden in her eyes that no one seem to figure out and this made her special. It felt overwhelming at times, but still she wouldn’t want to change a thing about herself, neither was there someone to win her in a such a way that would make her reveal who she truly was deep inside!
And her mask was there all the time!
Even though there was one more secret that could be touched:
~No mask is wearable without some marks being left on the skin!~